I am a story that's dying to be told, the heart dying to be consoled, and the spirit dying to break free to love, live, and exist comfortably.
In the grand scheme I am all the things that many women are " the mother, the lover, the employee, daughter, etc. etc." with a twist of southern twang. I hail from the Magnolia and have finally come the conclusion that God has been pulling at my heartstrings and calling me by name. It's officially time I answer the call.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it time and time again ::::: Motherhood is NOT a natural instinct, although it IS a natural bodily function.
Let me begin by saying there is nothing more moving to my spirit than watching a mother dote over her child, or even love her child/children beyond measure. There are some women who have traveled an extended and tumultuous journey to bring forth life into this world and then there are just some women whose hearts deepest desire was to dedicated their all to motherhood and reproduction………………………………..**que the Gerber baby commercial with the innocent baby in mama’s arms**
BUT THEN THERE ARE TWO other types of mothers: The Ill Prepare Mama & The Paycheck Breeder
Both of whom can be questionable in the eye of society, but indeed are NOT one in the same.
The Ill Prepared Mama:
The ill prepared mother is the mother who has very little natural instinct with the exception of knowing that she has brought life into this world and because somewhere along the way she received some type of logical guidance, she knows she must sustain and rear that child to the best of her ability. This mother prior to pregnancy may have had no desire to ever have children or simply didn’t plan to have the child in the order in which he/she was conceived. Upon delivery you may find that they in fact have very little maternal instinct and will exhibit what to many “expecting moms” is simply absurd behavior. However one classic trait of the Ill Prepared mom is that when placed in the trenches and the life of her child becomes REALIZED she can/will/does make it work to the best of her ability. She will alter her life to adapt and to provide the best life she’s humanly capable of for that child and with any luck she may not have to go it alone.
Now on to that other HEAUX…………The PayCheck Breeder:
and I do mean HEAUX in every since of the word, for she is indeed the woman who logically or illogically breeds seeds into this world for repayment, be it a welfare check or the neighborhood something like a douhboys five and dime hustle. She’s most likely slept w/ everything moving that she “THOUGHT” had a dime to his name and then subsequently by baby number 2 of 12 realized that she can cop a free government all- expense paid paycheck to boot. She MIGHT and I stress MIGHT have something like a job at the local Walmart, hurr store, or salon where she probably doesn’t have a license as of yet, but she in BEAURTY school working on it and has been since lil Fuqhan whose 8 now was about 14 months old.
***Shocked?!? Don’t be she had to take breaks for re re and n’em she couldn’t be standing on her feet all them hours pregnant, where they do that at??***
The all time classic trait of the Paycheck Breeder is that no matter how much you put into her, you’ll only ever get another fetus out of her o and a good “holyghostIfoundtheLawd” on Sunday moment every now and again when put to the test, TRUST she will BIRTH her way out of it and mama O and them babies willllllllllllllll be fitted!!! I J S
and if you know any good candidates shes always looking for sponsors
I’m not sure, how
I ended up in this space, how I fell apparently so far from grace
Reduced myself 10 miles in this race
I’m not sure why,
I have emotions, yet I cannot cry
and there’s a part of me that just wants this whole thing to die
end !, be put out of its misery so my legacy can began
so my spirit can transcend
RISE above the chaos, confusion, dismay, challenges, the negative trend
And so I say to you , I’m simply unsure.
But that in the midst of that my eyes have seen the coming , a glimpse of the simple cure
After much tolerance, longsuffering, and tenacity to endure
The end is upon me as the spirit begins to mature
And in that I become certain ,
Of that I become whole
Of that I disconnect from the poison that wreaks havoc on my soul
Of that I break the shackles of stories spoken and some untold
Of that I am reconstructed by the potter upon his mold
I find myself elated in the future the “what is to come”
Knowing that my past is un-erased and what is cannot be undone
My fears still lurking in the shadow for to be human is to err and without sin is none
Therefore I go in peace, in relief, and hand in hand with my father’s son.
J. McKenzie 2011©
In this moment I feel lonely, alone in my flesh in my feelings and in this space. I lie here surrounded by two of God’s greatest gifts to me and just in awe of how much they have enhanced and blessed my life over and over again.
Still………….. I feel alone.
Not, because God is absent and because I am ill knowledgeable in my understanding of his comfort and presence around me. I know that God loves me, has always kept me and always been there for me when it felt as if no one else was there.
But in this very moment, I find myself alone. Years ago I found myself stranded away from family and the love and comfort of that connectivity. I’m still unclear whose truthfully to blame for that for many reasons that are too numerous to detail, thus I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life enduring physical, psycho-emotional/social turmoil, and all of the other minor mishaps and stressors that accompany everyday life.
I’m uncertain how I got to this point and while I could literally sit here and poetically fluidly keep the reader of this excerpt well intrigued and entertained, my purpose is not to spell my story and speak in vain, lest it fall upon deaf ears.
Instead my emphasis is to simply stand here and say, if you find yourself in a place where you have somebody, anybody, or bodies in your life, GRAB A HOLD OF THAT, THANK GOD IN THIS VERY MOMENT FOR THAT and trust that it is indeed a blessing from the most high. In spite of whom you might be, have been, will be, or may inevitably be. Having folks that love you that are there PRESENT available and loving you is a precious gift cherish it. I can’t stress that enough.
If ever I could impart a feeling or something beyond, it would be to say that many of you know NOT what it’s like to be the friend, the nurturer, the one who gives most of themselves in all capacities only to look around and realize that you truly have no one, no longevity, no connectivity, no permanency or tangibility in your life. Being admired or considered to be a positive spirit a light, a joy, a pleasure, and a blessing to others, but to constantly be seeking of the same in return while simultaneously rebuking the experience, because it’s new and uncertain to you. In essence being an experience to others that you are uncertain of how to receive for yourself. This feeling, this emptiness, this loneliness can no better be described.
Knowing this I walk forward to say that I no longer want to exist this way and I pray God that this experience, this space will end someday…….SOONER RATHER THAN LATER, but all in God’s time.
The heart of this woman has shed its last tear?
The soul of this woman has cowered down in fear
Only to resurface and conquer that which she holds dear?
When the spirit man has resurfaced above the trials
and the earthly vessel can no longer stand applaud and bow
Before the enemies that my very soul seeks to devour
What am I supposed to do when…………..
The courageous spirit they speak of
Finds herself in-caged like a broken winged dove
Surrounded by bars of lies, tragedy and deceit
Gnawing away at the invisible metal seeking to merely be free
What am I supposed to do when……..
I’ve done all I “can’
and Donnie you said in your solo I should simply just STAND,
Well how about YOU stand, do you hear me MAN?!?
How about you go through walk a mile in this tattered and battered worn shoes
How about you give yourself to serve a “god” that won’t love you back
Won’t fuel your very essence and no matter which road you travel consistently throws you off track
How about you stir in the midnight hour afraid
Crying out to the most high struggling to be NOT dismayed
How about you be me, sing a lyric or two or three
And yourself set FREE
Pause…..couldn’t do it? Didn’t think so well neither could I
So here I sit with the redundant question of dear Lord why
And in the quietest moments as I sit bewildered in my cry
I lift my head above and look passionately towards the sky
For I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the blessing, my heart desires, and what is in store for me is most definitely nigh
And I conclude this outburst with a heavy and relieved SIGH.
— Me & My Experiences AKA Jessca Love
— Jessca Rabbit aka Fee Fee Love aka Love Fee Fee Mc aka Jessca Mc
It’s amazing how so often we go through life and make the same mistakes over and over and over and OVER ( did I say OVER) again. There are those of us who tend to blame everyone in the scenarios we endure for the majority of the downfall and on those few rare occasions will accept blame for our parts as well, but ONLY and that’s a big only to the extent that we were otherwise provoked to behave this way. On the flip side, there are those of us who blame ourselves for everything and go into self-loathing pity parties, refusing to accept that it may very well be just a dysfunction with the other individual(s) and that our only real dysfunction or blame is that we haven’t pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps and kept it moving.
Learning from our mistakes is perhaps one of the most challenging things to do, because it forces us to go within ourselves, examine ourselves, acknowledge some truths about ourselves and then seek to change those very things that are within us. Last time I checked there aren’t many of us who happily go to this place or will even acknowledge the yellow brick road leading to the path of enlightenment. As a matter of fact many of us would rather dwell behind smoke and mirrors with an “ignorance is bliss mentality” then acknowledge our REAL-ITIES. It’s a hard road to travel people, but the fact of the matter is we’ve got to do it.
Some time back, while speaking to my mama (mother for the politically correct J ), I shared with her some experiences that I’d had over and over again since my early teenage years and for the life of me could NOT understand why despite who and how I was, the folks I was encountering were always of the contrary or so it seems. And well since Ms. Amy is not one to sugarcoat even the daintiest morsel of sweetness, she broke it down simply like this “Those folks want what you have, they envy it, or they are too blind to see the benefits and all you can do is pray for them that they eventually come to the light, BUT in the meantime girl baby, you have got to STOP BEING A FOOL! At some point you have to see it, operate in wisdom and love those type of folks from a distance” Naturally, I took offense, because last time I checked What Would Jesus Do didn’t say leave them folks alone and stop loving folks cause they “extra” but rather love them harder, right? WRONG!! Wisdom is a key principle, and nowhere in any Bible, Book of Wisdom, Theoretical Knowledge or otherwise does it say it’s okay to be a damn fool. Guess mama told me huh?
Well mama told me so I’m telling you, to be human is to err, we will all make mistakes, but we’ve got to LEARN from those mistakes. Take the time from the moment you read this to evaluate the mistakes you’ve made in your life. Have you mended mistakes that could be fixed? Are you currently making the same mistakes over and over again? If you know what YOUR mistakes are, are you currently taking action to make the difference? If you don’t make the difference the difference will indeed make you and the only thing worse than a young inexperienced fool, is the OLD fool who had the experience and wisdom to know and do better and still remains a fool.
So let me get this straight.
I write, you read. I release, share my innermost self and its therapeutic for you and me both?
That is if you are in to this sort of thing, you know the read all my business, somehow find a point to which you can relate and decide that I’m either a desperate and loss case, or a soul crying out for love attention and affection, or simply just demented altogether, RIGHT?
Welp, in that case I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news I intend to share bits and pieces of me and the growth which I’ve experienced through my journey, BUT and that’s a big old donkey booty BUTT, I also plan to just speak on things my thoughts and opinions and just go all in. Right or Wrong, who’s to say but I’m speaking for me and why I feel this way.